Suburban Shootout
You'd think that once I'd traded the noisy streets of Bradford for the supposed pleasures of sleepy Matlock life that I'd now be able to enjoy a relaxing and quiet sunny sunday reading the paper outside.
But no. I've realised though that my neighbours seem to be linked in to some sort of underlying suburban collective mind. Without a word of a lie or exageration, at 10am precisely, they all left their houses and started up their power tools. My back yard sounds like a bleedin' workshop...oh...hang on... the time is now 11:12 and they've ALL fallen silent. That's a bit odd! Maybe there's a local "arrangement". I think I've stumbled upon something here.
Now we all know and despise the type of person I'm talking about. The "escape to the country" class. With their artificially generated and practiced accents, designed to make them sound upper-middle-class. The fact that they eat all meals outdoors whenever it's not raining because - "Well we were holidaying in Prague (never Whitby is it?) and we met this delightful (ie nausiating) couple and they do nothing but eat fresh bread, cheese and wine on the veranda and talk to passers by about how civilised they are (as they get fat, crummy and drunk)". All the time local resident who've grown up in the area are vomiting wildly and reaching for the property pages. It's a shame Matlock council won't take the same initiative as has been implemented in the Lake District. Some kind of legislation which keeps these vile, faux socialites out of decent hard working communities.
I'm trying my best not to sound like someone from Royston Vasey, (This is a local town for local people. There's nothing for you here!) but it's tough to see a town you grew up in which used to be friendly and pleasant with a genuine community feel dessimated by people moving from nearby cities bringing a city attitude with them. People who don't know their neighbours names and don't care either, it's easier to disturb and inconvenience those you don't know.
Hang on again...20 minutes later and they've all started up again. I've come to the conclusion that these "people" are either invaders from another planet, come to irritate ordinary folk to suicide or they're part of a secret government initiative to control the minds of third rate desk jockeys and their families to create a misguided utopia in which all anyone ever does is speak properly and congratulate each other on their respective vile mock-cultured ways.
Or maybe they're just a bunch of ar***oles!
But no. I've realised though that my neighbours seem to be linked in to some sort of underlying suburban collective mind. Without a word of a lie or exageration, at 10am precisely, they all left their houses and started up their power tools. My back yard sounds like a bleedin' workshop...oh...hang on... the time is now 11:12 and they've ALL fallen silent. That's a bit odd! Maybe there's a local "arrangement". I think I've stumbled upon something here.
Now we all know and despise the type of person I'm talking about. The "escape to the country" class. With their artificially generated and practiced accents, designed to make them sound upper-middle-class. The fact that they eat all meals outdoors whenever it's not raining because - "Well we were holidaying in Prague (never Whitby is it?) and we met this delightful (ie nausiating) couple and they do nothing but eat fresh bread, cheese and wine on the veranda and talk to passers by about how civilised they are (as they get fat, crummy and drunk)". All the time local resident who've grown up in the area are vomiting wildly and reaching for the property pages. It's a shame Matlock council won't take the same initiative as has been implemented in the Lake District. Some kind of legislation which keeps these vile, faux socialites out of decent hard working communities.
I'm trying my best not to sound like someone from Royston Vasey, (This is a local town for local people. There's nothing for you here!) but it's tough to see a town you grew up in which used to be friendly and pleasant with a genuine community feel dessimated by people moving from nearby cities bringing a city attitude with them. People who don't know their neighbours names and don't care either, it's easier to disturb and inconvenience those you don't know.
Hang on again...20 minutes later and they've all started up again. I've come to the conclusion that these "people" are either invaders from another planet, come to irritate ordinary folk to suicide or they're part of a secret government initiative to control the minds of third rate desk jockeys and their families to create a misguided utopia in which all anyone ever does is speak properly and congratulate each other on their respective vile mock-cultured ways.
Or maybe they're just a bunch of ar***oles!
posted by Paul (so tired) at
11:08 am
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