The competition's not even started and already I'm worried. I've justed watched the first half of our friendly against Hungary. I always like to try and be positive wherever possible so I'll say that the England 1st team are in the middle of the most organised and precise sleepwalking that I've ever seen and it's a pleasure to watch from a sleep analysis point of view. What?...they're not actually asleep?....we're in trouble!
What is it with people who wander around retail outlet villages? They all seem to look either massively angry or like shoplifters. That would make it easy for security staff if it were true. Just walk up to anyone and ask them who they think they're looking at. If they don't punch you then call the police. I wandered around McArthur Glen near Mansfield today and left very quickly. You soon feel really out of place if you don't have the look of thunder on your face. Never mind, there's always good old Matalan. I also treated myself to a nice comfy office chair so I can comfortably sit at my computer for more than ten minutes. hmmmm, reclining....
Well it's the end of my working week so a big cheer for that and thank glaven it's a bank holiday weekend because I'm now off 'till tuesday! way...hay. I think tiredness has finally returned me to a childlike state. I think I'm officially over-tired! I'm finding some of the most purile things laugh-out-loud funny. Like saying the word "mauve" in a weird voice, pressing my stomach whilst making fart noises with my mouth and taunting the memory of Elvis. As I've explained to you before, myself and my brain seem to be completely individual entities. I'm always around but my brain's really unpredictable. Yesterday my brain got bored and wondered off on it's own again but today it's taken over and is doing all of this strange stuff. Just think of the mental picture of my brain doing all the purile things listed above with me stood in the background tutting and shaking my head. Anyhow, I'm going to be wrestling back the controls in a minute. I'm off out to see friends tonight which should be good. I need to keep the joviety and lose the madness. Maybe a nap is in order...
There are difinate good and bad points about my new job. However I've found that they balance out quite nicely. Firdtly, the hours and lack of mental stimulation are slowly numbing my brain. I was driving with the window open this morning and the wind whistling by my right ear was making the sound you get when you blow accross the top of a milk bottle. The good side is that I can make a tune by sticking my finger in my left ear! Secondly, the constant handling of heavy sacks and boxes is turning my hands into a big pair of callaces (I think that's how you spell it). The good side is that I can pumice peoples feet without the need for any stones! You see. Good can always come from bad...now who wants a musical foot massage?
Now then folks, sorry to work you so hard. I know thi is the third time I've asked for feedback but that's just because when you give it, it's smashin'. I want to build up a new website to add to my online portfolio for the purposes of future jobs but I really don't know what to base the site on. I'm not looking to publicise any charitable organisation with this one as I need to have complete artistic control (might sound a bit arsey but there we go). So what kind of site would you visit on a daily basis? What would you love to contribute to and be published on? How many kittens do you need to fill a hession sack? Spot the dog chod? I really can't think of anything but if you can then let me know and you'll have a large honourary mention on the front page of the website when it launches.
What is the mental breakdown which causes people to tailgate? Why should I be hurried along by some middle-aged, rusty bint in a middle-aged, rusty volvo on my journey home. Do these brainless idiot not realise that when they follow a car too closely they may feel like they have the power but they actually surrender it all to the person in front. Due to the way the law works in this country, if you run into the back of another car you are automatically the one at fault. Even if the driver in front admits to braking hard to cause the crash! I have always thought this law to be completely fair. If you follow someone at an appropriate distance then there is no way at all that they can catch you out. Now, I'm no angel on the road but I always stay completely safe. I value my life! Some speed limits are rediculous but the problem is stupid drivers. The reason speed limits were first introduced in this country was because british drivers proved that they couldn't be trusted to make an educated decision on their own! Anyway, rant over. Sorry for missing a couple of days but I spent part of the weekend back in bradford to clear out the rest of my things and to have a beery night out with friends. To cut a long story short, the beer flowed, the ladies danced and the world was at peace with itself. aaaaahhhhhhhhhh.
No, this has nothing to do with the bloody Da Vinci Code. Right, with that out of the way I've made an interesting discovery today. All brits know of the scugre of the "white van man" on our nations roads. Only caring about themselves, tailgating, noisy and inconsiderate. Well, not if you're also driving a commercial van. I went out today on my first couple of solo runs and discovered something very interesting. When you're driving a van you start to realise how irritating, gormless and un-helpful other road users are. Whilst on my rounds today my life was only made easier at any point by other working drivers. Maybe it's a mutual sympathy for the long hours. Maybe it's the elevated driving position which gives you a better picture of what's happening but I now have a renewed respect for the white van man. Anyway enough of that - big brother starts tonight....what?....yes I do have a life and yes it's more interesting than that of several social outcasts in a box but as you know. I'm an antagonist at heart and love nothing more than to see people being irritated to breaking point in a harmless gameshow. Also I was told a joke today - personally I'm expecting to laugh at some point in the next few hours so lets see how it goes. Barry : "My dog's got no dictionary!" Norm : "Really? How does he spell terrible?" sorry.
Today I decided what the next stage of human evolution should be. Visible Farts. This may sound a little purile at first but has numerous applications. Firstly those dirty sods who release noxious gasses in small spaces. A mere smell can be ignored and most don't remark when they come accross a nasty niff with an obvious guilty party. The civilised person won't start shouting about how filthy and rotten it is. However that guilty party may feel a slightly greater urge to self regulate if they know that inapropriate release will cause them the embarrasment of standing in a purple cloud for five minutes. True, this may make some public conveniences impassable but that wouldn't be much worse than what we suffer right now. You might think I'm being a bit negative about the humble fart. Not very British of me. however there is also a huge potential for comedy with regards to visible farts. Maybe if different colours represented different strengths, ie. Green smoke = bit humid - slightly mucky and red = this is the fog - you will be turned inside out. It can easily be faked for the purposes of showing panic on stage and screen. (screen notes ripley : "The alien's here somewhere.." slight tense pause, Cue : Alien crashes through the ceiling - Cue : Delicate orange mist) WellI reckon it's an idea with legs, let's hope it runs...or maybe not "runs"...nasty.
Oh what a relief it is! Not only am I back on a daily basis but I'm back using my own PC again. Wanadoo really don't want people to connect pc's wirelessly to their service without using their own equipment. However they didn't bargain on the likes of me. haha, boo wanadoo! My toils today may not impress many people but I feel a great sense of achievement. It's almost like punk antidisastablishmentarianism, watered down 'till you can only just taste it. The wierd hours of my current job are pickling my brain a bit but things will get easier as I get used to it. Mind you I did notice a roadsign today giving very strange yet inarguable advice "kill your speed - not a child"
Mornin' all. Yes I'm finally back for good you lucky people. It's been all change in this particular microcosm of wierd world. (if that makes any sense!). I no longer live in Bradford, I've moved southwards a bit into Derbyshire, and I don't do double glazing any more! Wayhay! ...indeed. I'm looking to furthar my career in techy stuff but for now I'm working as a delivery driver...which is nice. Anyway, just a shorty today. The move has left me a bit tired so I'm off for my horlicks. See you tomorrow and thanks, cathy for the comment. It feels good to be back.
I realised a few years ago that pretty much everything we do in everyday life is strange in some way. I like to view things from a different angle. Sometimes this means I'll play devil's advocate but I never discard anyone's point of view.
I also love beer and ladies!
